A few years ago, when Rabbi Laura Geller was still the senior rabbi of Temple Emanuel in Beverly Hills, California, she began to notice that many of her older congregants had started to drift away and she wanted to know why. At the time, she was also contemplating what her life after retirement might look like. So, she and her husband, Richard Siegel, decided to take the questions they were already posing to themselves and ask them of other seniors.
So began a listening journey that would result in “Getting Good at Getting Older,” a National Jewish Book Award finalist published in 2019.
Gathering small groups in private homes, Geller and Siegel spoke to about 250 congregants about what keeps them up at night, what gets them up in the morning and, without a job and colleagues, who they turn to for community.
“What we discovered is that people have fears of becoming invisible and becoming isolated. Your friendship network changes as you grow older and people that used to return your calls don’t anymore. People were concerned about purpose — “What will I do all day?” — and about becoming, “God forbid,” dependent,” Geller told Jewish News.
On May 3, Geller will present some of her findings about the importance of continually building relationships, making a difference, getting involved and giving back at an invitation-only Lion of Judah “Cocktails and Conversations” event.
“After hearing Rabbi Geller’s presentation at the International Lion’s Conference in Scottsdale this past December, we thought she would be the perfect speaker for our upcoming event,” said Gail Baer, vice president of philanthropy for the Center for Jewish Philanthropy of Greater Phoenix.
Geller’s book investigates the period between midlife, when people build careers and raise families, and “frail old age” — what gerontologist Barbara Waxman termed “middlescence.” Just as adolescence came to be understood as a distinct stage of life, neither childhood nor adulthood, the longevity patterns of this century have constructed something new at the other end of the age spectrum.
At last December’s conference, Geller attended two “overflowing” seminars on the topic led by Waxman.
“A lot of people want to talk about this and learn how to engage the experience, the talent, the passion, the resources of this age cohort,” Geller said. The day after her own book on the topic was published, it was number one on Amazon’s Jewish life section.
The book was also a kind of bookend to the seminal “Jewish Catalog,” the series of guides to “do-it-yourself” Judaism that Siegel had co-edited decades earlier. It was a best-seller for the Jewish Publication Society and attracted young Jews by popularizing an ethos of pluralism and gender egalitarianism.
Because Siegel and Geller were now themselves part of a cohort of older Jewish Americans facing new issues, “Rich really felt that we needed another Jewish catalog about how to navigate the challenge of growing older,” Geller said.
Sadly, while working on the book, Siegel was diagnosed with cancer and passed away before its publication. He was in the strange position of working on a book about getting older, a privilege he wouldn’t experience for himself. Ironically, the couple researched things for the book, like end-of-life issues and how to plan a funeral, that they used to deal with their personal situation.
“When Richie really did get sick, he had a really good death because there was nothing we hadn’t already talked about. A good death is if you’re lucky enough to be able to die at home, surrounded by people you love and there is nothing left unsaid. I’m very grateful for that,” Geller said.
During their listening campaign, Geller was surprised by how many people hadn’t had some of those tough conversations with their adult children. The book provides a how-to toolkit for people for that and many other topics, including making friends, giving back, getting involved, leaving a legacy and telling one’s story before it’s too late.
After the book’s publication, Geller was invited to speak at synagogues and Jewish community centers across the country. Once COVID-19 restrictions made travel impossible, she started doing virtual presentations.
“It was a wonderful opportunity to visit lots and lots of places because the cost was so much lower, and I spoke to at least 100 places virtually,” she said. Sometimes it was to a group of 20 people and sometimes more than 100. Despite the size, it was clearer with every conversation how much people wanted to talk about their fears and hopes.
During the Q&A period, someone might ask for advice on how best to downsize their households or give things away. Another person might chime in to say what they had done. Though these people might be in the same congregation, they didn’t know each other well enough to ask these questions before Geller’s appearance prompted them.
“Through these conversations, they were able to help each other because, even though we are the curators of our own lives, the truth is we are all figuring out what it means to be in this new life stage and we can really help each other do that,” Geller said.
While promoting the book, Geller kept learning, and if she were writing it again, she would likely spend more time writing about loneliness and isolation, she said.
A majority of people she’s spoken with want to stay in their homes, but that might entail several changes in terms of creating or modifying their community. A focus on building intergenerational connections can assist with that goal.
She also has a message for the Jewish establishment that focuses most of its resources on families with young children, which she calls “a myopic view.”
“I’m also part of the Jewish future with my experience, my wisdom, my resources, my talent, my desire to serve and my need to be in connection with different generations. That’s an asset in the Jewish community and to the extent to which that’s not acknowledged — they’re losing an incredibly important talent pool and that challenges the Jewish future,” she said. JN
“Getting Good at Getting Older” is available at Amazon.com.
Jewish News is published by the Jewish Community Foundation of Greater Phoenix, a component of the Center for Jewish Philanthropy of Greater Phoenix.
Credit:Source link
